I’ve read about attachment, and with the adoption of our second son our experience was very smooth, he was only 6 months old and made the transition easily. We had seen him grow in photographs every 2 weeks before we met him, and he was in excellent fostercare where there was only one other child (and two caregivers during the day). On top of that his personality is such that he is an outgoing friendly active boy, and he doesn’t care much whether there is routine in his life or not. So his transition to join our family was easy. I still watch for signs of attachment issues, occasionally worry that his charismatic nature is somehow a sign of attachment dysfunction, but most of the time realize that is just who he is.
With a 16 month-old child the transition is much more difficult. Shanti is grieving the loss of her orphanage family. She makes progress each day toward trusting us (mostly me), but much of the time she spends burrowing her head against my chest and clinging. She’ll have a few minutes where she seems to be coming out of her shell – playing with a toy a little, interested in what is going on in the room, then suddenly, as if she realizes where she is, she stops, whimpers and burrows her head against my chest or neck crying softly.
I think my expectations were a little different, than this reality. It’s ok, but we’re having to adjust and move slower than we expected. I think I thought after a few days she would learn we weren’t so bad and would treat us as if we were her babysitters – maybe not so excited to see us, but accepting that we were caring for her, and being able to play on the floor or in the grass independently for a bit of time. But that is not where she is. In someways the difficulty of the transition is a good sign, a sign that she is profoundly attached to her caregivers at the orphanage, and now profoundly grieving their loss. This means that she can form deep attachments and overtime will attach this deeply to us, her new family. But it is so hard to see. I wish I could take away your pain baby girl.
4 comments:
WOW Teryl,
Thank you so much for sharing this part. It is a reality that we will likely all face. This blog is amazing, insightful, so honest, and heartwarming. I can't wait until little Shanti realizes the love you guys have for her. It is only a matter of time.
Blessings,
JaNae
Ditto what JaNae said. It is important to share this part and I thank you for doing so.
we have been following your blog and are thrilled to hear of families finally able to visit KTM and bring children home! we adopted our son in early 2008 after a very long wait, as well. the first 2 weeks with him (in KTM) were very difficult - he would not let me put him down for a second. as you say, it is a good sign, but can be exhausting. he was a bit younger than your daughter at that time, but some of the other kids in his group in the orphanage were your daughter's age and they were the same. part of it, i found, was the chaos of KTM - the kids rarely leave the orphanage so the streets and markets can be quite wild to them. we found he was happiest in the gardens of the hotel. we were at the Summit Hotel in Patan, but the Yak and Yeti is good, too. I often took him to the garden of dreams, as well. it's a peaceful little spot if the weather is cooperative. good luck to you!!
So cool of you to be so honest. This is the reality everyone should expect, if not worse. The only alternative for Shanti not experiencing this pain is to never leave the orphanage.Just remember, it will only get better and better from here.
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