I could have written this....

Is it RAD? or is it just his personality?  LB joined our family through adoption.  He was born in Guatemala was only six months old when he joined our family.  He spent his first 6 months in fostercare with a very attentive and loving foster mother who had only one other child in the home.  He lived with his foster mother from the age of 4 days old until he joined our family at 6 months.   His transition was smooth.....in retrospect, maybe too smooth.  He came to our arms smiling giggling and never looked back.   He had eye contact and a smile that drew everyone in, and he used it on everyone...... indiscriminantly.  In public he is an angel, everyone loves him, but at home he is very different.  ....... he is now 4 and I could have written this, but I didn't.  



My Child is RAD.
Reactive Attachment Disordered that is. 

And to you he is the most adorable, affectionate, loving child you have ever met. He melts you with every smile. He warms your heart with his engaging disposition. 

In your Sunday school class he is the most well behaved student you have. 

In your classroom he always listens and obeys. 

When you come to our home to visit, he will grab your hand and show you around. He will hug you and make you feel like you are the most welcome guest we have ever had. He may even convince you that you have some sort of special bond with him. 

It is hard for me to tell you that you are not special at all. In fact he does this with everyone. He does this with the creepy guy at the mall. He does this with the checkout lady at the food store. 

In fact he does this with just about everyone he meets.

Except for me. 

When I tell you what our life is like you look at me like I am crazy. You wonder how on earth such a sweet child could do or be all of the things I have said. You start questioning our parenting. You begin wondering if it is really us that has the issues.

You just see this cute little child. 

You aren't here when he tantrums and screams. You aren't here when he refuses to eat. You aren't here when he eats until he is ill. You aren't here for the constant chatter. You aren't here when he stays awake all hours of the night. You aren't here when he triangulates us. Or when he does every possible annoying thing he can think of to each of his siblings. You aren't here when he won't share his toys or when he goes crazy because one of his little siblings took something away. 

You don't see how he can't make eye contact. Or how he fidgets when I come close to him. Or how he gags himself in time out. 

You just don't see it. 

Yes, he is an adorable child. 

But, he also has RAD. 

We don't love him any less. We just have to parent him very different. 

It's time for Nepal to change its relinquishment laws!

Sadly as of August 6th 2010,  the US has effectively closed the door to parents hoping to adopt from Nepal.

Reading the US's statement made me think about the problem of abandoned children in Nepal

In Nepal if a child is born out of wedlock and his mother feels it is best for someone else to parent him, he can not be adopted by anyone for 12 years in order to give the biological father a chance to claim the child.  Often in these circumstances paperwork is fabricated to say that the child was found somewhere, a temple, a bridge, or a market and brought to the orphanage.  That way the child can be adopted into a family without waiting 12 years.   The vast majority of children who have been adopted internationally are "found abandoned" -- maybe it's true, maybe it's not.

Sadly, this robs children of their past, and of any information of their background outside of being Nepali (which is a very diverse country).

Worse still it opens wide the door for child trafficking.  If a child is "abandoned", there's no way to prove that the parent (maybe a single, widowed or abandoned woman) hoped someone else would adopt her child ---  or maybe that the child was taken from a some poor family under the guise that the child would get an education and return to help support the family someday.

The relinquishment/adoption laws in Nepal have to change.  It is the only way that the children who are legitimate orphans can be adopted without allowing traffickers free reign.  Allow women who do not have a husband to relinquish their children.  Take DNA samples from both the parent and the child - prove that woman is the biological mother.  Have a social worker interview the biological mother - make sure she is not being coerced into giving up her child.   Take a second DNA sample along with a photo of the child giving the sample, right before the ministry gives it's final approval - make sure that no one has switched the child.  (Sadly it has been done in other countries where there is a DNA requirement)

It's time to come to the 21st century Nepal.  And it's time to do what is right for the most helpless of your citizens.

Happy Fourth!

We had a wonderful weekend up at our cabin site.  Good friends joined us, and although the weather wasn't the best, we had a blast.  We joined in the annual boat parade on the lake on one of the local construction barges, set off fireworks and then went kayaking early the next morning before any of the motor boaters were awake.  The kids set off sparklers and poppers and the adults barbequed and over ate.  Good fun for all involved.  Happy Independence Day!  

2 years old! Birthday and other pictures

Dinosaur Train

Admitedly I'm a huge fan of PBS, and it doesn't hurt that I have two boys age almost 3 and 5 who adore trains and dinosaurs....but when I happened upon this series what hit me as the mom of a multicultural family was the way the pteranodon family has an adopted child (a t-rex) and how it's handled. Love it! Click on the link and go to the dinosaur train theme song (you have to scroll down with the arrow at the bottom left on the page)....it'll give you a little taste:

Dinosaur Train

Every family is different about how they approach adoption, we as a family are most comfortable simply focusing on the fact that we are a family and having fun incorporating many cultures into our family with an emphasis on Latino culture, and Nepali culture. It's just part of our everyday life. That being said, we don't read a bunch of adoption themed books, but I do try to incorporate books that have themes about it's ok to be different and there are many kinds of families and about the different cultures and places in the world.

We talk about birthmoms from time to time and our youngest son has talked a couple of times on the phone to his birthmom (not a meaningful conversation as they don't speak the same language yet - but meaningful in that it is a way to explain to him who his birthmother is). We talk about having different features and how some of our features are different because we come from different places....but we don't make a big deal about it. Really at this stage our 5 year old (bio) son has the most questions about adoption and what it means.

I'm not good about finding play groups with other families with adopted children from Nepal and Guatemala - mainly because I don't have time to even think about a play group right now, but we are lucky in that our daycare/preschool is reasonably multicultural and there are at least 4 other families at our daycare with children who have been adopted internationally. But I have fallen short of my goal of seeking out friends and socializing with families from other cultures. I hope I can do better as our kids get older because although now they are seen as a child from a multicultural family, when they are older they will be seen primarily as a Latino or a Nepali person and it is important that they are comfortable with what that means in our society.

Happy New Year

It's a new year and so much has changed yet so much is the same. One year ago we were a family of 4, relatively settled in our comfortable life. We were so excited because Nepal had just opened it's doors to accepting dossiers from families hoping to adopt a nepali orphan. Our life was good, we were incredibly blessed with two boys ages 2 and 4, yet something was missing, and now one year later that missing piece has been found. One small girl from Nepal joined our family and although adding a family member shook up the balance a little in our lives, we are so happy she joined our family.

The journey over this past year was stressful to say the least. There is so much uncertainty in so many things involved in the process of international adoption. Add to that a completely new program of adoption hoping to abolish the episodes of corruption that tainted the prior program and led to its closure in 2007. Finally mix in a country who's government is in flux, trying to establish itself after the monarchy was abolished. There were so many moments I felt that there was no hope, felt powerless to do anything truly effective to get our daughter home. It was hard to bear.....very hard. Although I won't forget the anxiety that at times consumed my thoughts, the edges are now softer, worn down by the giggles and hugs I get daily from our 20 month old daughter.

I wish I had words of wisdom to ease the pain of those who are still waiting. It is so hard to bear the uncertainty of not knowing if you'll ever be able to be the parent of a child that so needs a family. I do wish that somehow that the families that are waiting somehow find a little peace. I do wish the Ministry and all others involved would get their act together, and just get the children into homes. Our daughter was so shut down when we met her at her orphanage, now she is a vibrant, bright-eyed toddler, excited to explore her world. I wish the same for the other children waiting.

How long will it take, and how much will it cost?

I didn't save these, but check them out on the public access blog if you're interested

http://nepaladoptionrumors.blogspot.com/

Back to everyday life

We’re getting back to our routine. Bug went with us to see the lion king. He was so excited he had made a little giraffe mask in preschool and asked to wear it to the musical. Ok, I’m biased, but I thought he was adorable. He loved the show and walked all the way back to the car making giant giraffe steps. All week since then, it’s been non-stop fantasy play about the lion king for him. He’s pretended to be every character in the show.


I told one of my patients that Shanti’s name means “peace” so she promptly went out and bought her the cutest top which of course says “Peace” in little blue peace signs.


Then today we went up to the lake to pull the dock out of the water…well, James pulled the dock out and I kept the kids out of the way. It was the kids first long ride in the car together. They did pretty well, although at about halfway (45 min) Shanti decided she had had enough of the carseat thing and fussed until she fell asleep. Shanti also seemed a little shocked by being out in nature. She was fascinated that the ground was cold and damp. She going to be shocked when snow falls. I’m sure we’ll make her into a Alaska girl soon enough though.

Coming up for Air

We did make it home… almost 7 days ago now. It has been a whirlwind since then. Or maybe it’s just seemed like a whirlwind with everyone adjusting to local time, local weather, being back at work, and for the boys, back at daycare. But perhaps most significantly, we are adjusting to now being a family of 5.

The night we got home, the boys were waiting with my mother at our house. They were so excited to actually meet their new sister. I was nervous, expecting the worst….tears, Shanti being upset at sharing her new mommy with two other kids, the boys not understanding why their little sister was scared of them, not wanting to share their mommy with this new kid in their house…..but none of that was true. The boys were so happy to finally meet Shanti and were enthralled by her. We had been showing Shanti photos of her brothers for the week before we came home; it really seemed to help too. Shanti warmed up to them almost immediately and within 5 minutes she was playing with toys they had brought to her out of their toybox. My mother had prepped the boys that Shanti might be scared at first and they needed to be gentle with her, but no worries. Within a day and a half, Shanti was fully holding her own and happy to challenge anyone who questioned her ownership of every ball in the house.





Shanti is also slowly warming up to the other people in her life. She loves to play with her daddy now and even occasionally will let him comfort her. She also has accepted my mother after a rough 4 hours on our first Monday back. Unfortunately I had to go back to work the day after we returned from Nepal, so my mother has been watching her while I’m at work. They say it’s not the best for a newly adopted child’s attachment to have other caregivers in so soon….but given being gone from work for 4 weeks, there really wasn’t any other choice.

So we’re doing well, we’re happy, and we’re a family. It just feels so right……chaotic, but right.

Airport details

We made it on the plane from Kathmandu to Seoul, but not without some drama. I had called Kore*n Air Kathmandu office 4 days before we left to let our airline know that we were bringing Shanti back with us as a lap child. “No problem, you’ll have to pay taxes and a small fee” ….Is there anything else you need….her travel document number? My visa card number? “No it’s all done…no problem”. I hang up and think, wow, that was easy……I really should have thought…”Hmmmmm that was _too_ easy”

So we reconfirm our flight the night before and the morning of, just to be safe. We give ourselves plenty of time to get to the airport (leave the hotel 3 hours before our flight) . Surprisingly with Dashain festivities there is virtually no traffic and we make it to the airport in record time and we get in the line to check in. Small problem; there is no record of us having a lap child. After 20 minutes or so, they understand what we need, and tell us it’ll cost $260-something. No problem….oh there is a problem….we traveled on frequent flyer mileage tickets and for some reason they can’t connect a lap child to a frequent flyer ticket….now the airline employee’s suggest we stay in Kathmandu for a few days while they sort this out (No…..please don’t say that! I’m so ready to be home), so after 90 minutes of biting my nails, and after the full time efforts of 5 heroic KAL employees one of them finally smiles….they’ve done it! I’m so relieved I can’t describe it….but it was short lived. I pull out my credit card “You don’t have cash?” Apparently they’re not set up at the airport to take credit cards. We finally realize we can use our credit card to get a cash advance. J walks with the ticket agent to the airport bank where they get the cash. Somehow the price has changed to only $159. And now we’re late, so late we get to have an escort to help us run from point to point and cut ahead in line. We rush up the stairs (for some reason the airport no longer charges a $23. exit tax) to the second security checkpoint where they open up our bags and go through absolutely everything – opening up makeup containers, flipping though papers, books and everything else. Although they allow a 10 oz package of premade dal (what would no doubt be considered a liquid in the US), apparently small toy balls filled with air are contraband, so Shanti’s little yellow ball that she loves so dearly gets to stay in Kathmandu. Next stop Customs where they need not only our passports, Shanti’s travel document and the declaration sheet you got when you entered the country, but also a copy of Shanti’s adoption decree and a copy of her travel document (make copies and bring them with you). Finally we pass through and make it to the gate as the plane is boarding. 6 hours later we are finally in Seoul. Clean orderly, quiet Seoul. One step closer to home.

A little break

I feel a little guilty that I want to get home so badly, but I miss our boys terribly. I miss cool weather, and I miss sleeping in my own bed.

We got a much needed break the past 2 days. Took a taxi to Nagarkot, hiked on trails and dirt roads (not much more than than a trail), got caught in a Monsoon downpour, and heard nothing but birds and the occasional cricket. Rising at dawn to see the sunrise over the himalayas was a bust, but it really didn’t matter. The cool mountain air and the peace and quiet are what we really went for.


It was a little hard at night for Shanti. She went to sleep just fine, but when she woke up in the middle of the night in entirely unfamiliar surroundings, she was consoled only by sleeping in my arms in a chair and even then only after a bottle and about 45 minutes of wailing. I’m sure getting on a plane and sleeping in new surroundings at our home with two brothers will be an adjustment for her. I really wish I had a week or two before I had to go back to work to help smooth her transition…..but we’ve will have been gone almost 4 weeks as it is, and bills have to be paid, and life must go on.

That being said, Miss Shanti has come out of her shell….way out. From my lap, she flirts with people across restaurants, smiling and giggling, then turning away….only to turn back to see if they are still looking….causing a whole new cycle of smiling and giggling. She’ll wander even 15 feet from me to explore her surroundings…unless someone says something to her which causes her to run back to the safety of my lap. She still clutches a washcloth when she’s in new surroundings (she rejected all baby blankets in favor of a Yak and Yeti white washcloth), and she still needs to be able to keep me in sight, but that’s pretty normal for a 16 month old. As I said, we expect a rough first week or so at home….she’ll have to adjust to very different smells, sights, and most of all sharing mommy with two brothers. But all in all, I think she’ll weather the transition just fine…..


Now just to make it through the next 42 hours traveling home.

We're coming home, Baby!

Finally, one full week after submitting our paperwork to the U.S. embassy, they approved our case and called to say that they were ready to issue a visa for Shanti. I can now breathe a huge sigh of relief. The embassy was _very_ thorough; thorough to the point of visiting the orphanage, and in some cases interviewing personel at the police station that issued the report of abandoned child. I suppose it is a good thing for them to be so meticulous at evaluating the information regarding our child….but it still is nervewracking.

So now the government of Nepal and the government of the United States both recognize Shanti as our daughter. This was the last big hurdle. We’re coming home baby!

Unfortunately our airline doesn’t have any flights out of Kathmandu until Friday. So tomorrow morning we head out to Nagarkot for some peace and quiet. Then Friday we head home! This has been a long 3 ½ weeks away from our boys. We miss them dearly.

Tired of waiting

Monday we wait by the phone….hoping to hear news from the embassy that Shanti’s visa is ready and can be picked up. Around 11 AM we get the call, but not the one we’re hoping for. They say they will call again Tuesday morning. Are there any problems? I ask. “No, we just want to be sure we’re thorough”.

We’ve seen most of the major sites of Kathmandu and the Kathmandu Valley. Both J and I are “templed out”. We’re both a little tired of the traffic, noise, and the constant barrage of people trying to sell us thankas and pashima shawls. We don’t leave until Friday, but we would so love to have Shanti’s visa in order so we could get out into the countryside at Nagarkot, where the air is clear, the temperature is less muggy, and there is no traffic jams.

I can tell I need a little break. I’m beginning to focus on the seamier aspects of Kathmandu….The boy laying on the sidewalk huffing gasoline from a plastic bag, the raw sewage running down the street, the dead rat I step over, the beggerwoman and her skinny baby I try not to make eye contact with. I don’t want these to be the things that I focus on. They’re part of Kathmandu, but they’re not all of it. The people are generous and kind. No one here yells in traffic jams that would be sure to bring out road rage in people in the US. Hindi get along side by side with Buddhists, everyone we come in contact with has been warm and helpful, people share whatever they have even when they have so little. The land and the people are so beautiful. These are the lasting memories, the memories I will teach Shanti about her country of birth as she grows.

Attachment is a process

Attachment is a process, not a moment. I am reminded of this because after days of a giggling smiling little girl, last night Shanti woke up in the middle of the night crying. She hasn’t done this before, and I was able to comfort her within 5 minutes. Today, I’ve noticed she’s not the same smiling little girl we’ve seen over the past few days. She is more clingy, more prone to tears at simply telling her not to touch mommy’s computer. We work to make sure she know’s we’re here for her and we will never leave her. By the afternoon, she is back to her playful, giggling personality.

Although brief, it reminds me that attachment is a process, and we will have our ups and downs as we learn to be a family together.

Just pictures

From past two days visits to Boudnath and Swayambunath