I could have written this....

Is it RAD? or is it just his personality?  LB joined our family through adoption.  He was born in Guatemala was only six months old when he joined our family.  He spent his first 6 months in fostercare with a very attentive and loving foster mother who had only one other child in the home.  He lived with his foster mother from the age of 4 days old until he joined our family at 6 months.   His transition was smooth.....in retrospect, maybe too smooth.  He came to our arms smiling giggling and never looked back.   He had eye contact and a smile that drew everyone in, and he used it on everyone...... indiscriminantly.  In public he is an angel, everyone loves him, but at home he is very different.  ....... he is now 4 and I could have written this, but I didn't.  



My Child is RAD.
Reactive Attachment Disordered that is. 

And to you he is the most adorable, affectionate, loving child you have ever met. He melts you with every smile. He warms your heart with his engaging disposition. 

In your Sunday school class he is the most well behaved student you have. 

In your classroom he always listens and obeys. 

When you come to our home to visit, he will grab your hand and show you around. He will hug you and make you feel like you are the most welcome guest we have ever had. He may even convince you that you have some sort of special bond with him. 

It is hard for me to tell you that you are not special at all. In fact he does this with everyone. He does this with the creepy guy at the mall. He does this with the checkout lady at the food store. 

In fact he does this with just about everyone he meets.

Except for me. 

When I tell you what our life is like you look at me like I am crazy. You wonder how on earth such a sweet child could do or be all of the things I have said. You start questioning our parenting. You begin wondering if it is really us that has the issues.

You just see this cute little child. 

You aren't here when he tantrums and screams. You aren't here when he refuses to eat. You aren't here when he eats until he is ill. You aren't here for the constant chatter. You aren't here when he stays awake all hours of the night. You aren't here when he triangulates us. Or when he does every possible annoying thing he can think of to each of his siblings. You aren't here when he won't share his toys or when he goes crazy because one of his little siblings took something away. 

You don't see how he can't make eye contact. Or how he fidgets when I come close to him. Or how he gags himself in time out. 

You just don't see it. 

Yes, he is an adorable child. 

But, he also has RAD. 

We don't love him any less. We just have to parent him very different. 

It's time for Nepal to change its relinquishment laws!

Sadly as of August 6th 2010,  the US has effectively closed the door to parents hoping to adopt from Nepal.

Reading the US's statement made me think about the problem of abandoned children in Nepal

In Nepal if a child is born out of wedlock and his mother feels it is best for someone else to parent him, he can not be adopted by anyone for 12 years in order to give the biological father a chance to claim the child.  Often in these circumstances paperwork is fabricated to say that the child was found somewhere, a temple, a bridge, or a market and brought to the orphanage.  That way the child can be adopted into a family without waiting 12 years.   The vast majority of children who have been adopted internationally are "found abandoned" -- maybe it's true, maybe it's not.

Sadly, this robs children of their past, and of any information of their background outside of being Nepali (which is a very diverse country).

Worse still it opens wide the door for child trafficking.  If a child is "abandoned", there's no way to prove that the parent (maybe a single, widowed or abandoned woman) hoped someone else would adopt her child ---  or maybe that the child was taken from a some poor family under the guise that the child would get an education and return to help support the family someday.

The relinquishment/adoption laws in Nepal have to change.  It is the only way that the children who are legitimate orphans can be adopted without allowing traffickers free reign.  Allow women who do not have a husband to relinquish their children.  Take DNA samples from both the parent and the child - prove that woman is the biological mother.  Have a social worker interview the biological mother - make sure she is not being coerced into giving up her child.   Take a second DNA sample along with a photo of the child giving the sample, right before the ministry gives it's final approval - make sure that no one has switched the child.  (Sadly it has been done in other countries where there is a DNA requirement)

It's time to come to the 21st century Nepal.  And it's time to do what is right for the most helpless of your citizens.

Happy Fourth!

We had a wonderful weekend up at our cabin site.  Good friends joined us, and although the weather wasn't the best, we had a blast.  We joined in the annual boat parade on the lake on one of the local construction barges, set off fireworks and then went kayaking early the next morning before any of the motor boaters were awake.  The kids set off sparklers and poppers and the adults barbequed and over ate.  Good fun for all involved.  Happy Independence Day!  

2 years old! Birthday and other pictures

Dinosaur Train

Admitedly I'm a huge fan of PBS, and it doesn't hurt that I have two boys age almost 3 and 5 who adore trains and dinosaurs....but when I happened upon this series what hit me as the mom of a multicultural family was the way the pteranodon family has an adopted child (a t-rex) and how it's handled. Love it! Click on the link and go to the dinosaur train theme song (you have to scroll down with the arrow at the bottom left on the page)....it'll give you a little taste:

Dinosaur Train

Every family is different about how they approach adoption, we as a family are most comfortable simply focusing on the fact that we are a family and having fun incorporating many cultures into our family with an emphasis on Latino culture, and Nepali culture. It's just part of our everyday life. That being said, we don't read a bunch of adoption themed books, but I do try to incorporate books that have themes about it's ok to be different and there are many kinds of families and about the different cultures and places in the world.

We talk about birthmoms from time to time and our youngest son has talked a couple of times on the phone to his birthmom (not a meaningful conversation as they don't speak the same language yet - but meaningful in that it is a way to explain to him who his birthmother is). We talk about having different features and how some of our features are different because we come from different places....but we don't make a big deal about it. Really at this stage our 5 year old (bio) son has the most questions about adoption and what it means.

I'm not good about finding play groups with other families with adopted children from Nepal and Guatemala - mainly because I don't have time to even think about a play group right now, but we are lucky in that our daycare/preschool is reasonably multicultural and there are at least 4 other families at our daycare with children who have been adopted internationally. But I have fallen short of my goal of seeking out friends and socializing with families from other cultures. I hope I can do better as our kids get older because although now they are seen as a child from a multicultural family, when they are older they will be seen primarily as a Latino or a Nepali person and it is important that they are comfortable with what that means in our society.

Happy New Year

It's a new year and so much has changed yet so much is the same. One year ago we were a family of 4, relatively settled in our comfortable life. We were so excited because Nepal had just opened it's doors to accepting dossiers from families hoping to adopt a nepali orphan. Our life was good, we were incredibly blessed with two boys ages 2 and 4, yet something was missing, and now one year later that missing piece has been found. One small girl from Nepal joined our family and although adding a family member shook up the balance a little in our lives, we are so happy she joined our family.

The journey over this past year was stressful to say the least. There is so much uncertainty in so many things involved in the process of international adoption. Add to that a completely new program of adoption hoping to abolish the episodes of corruption that tainted the prior program and led to its closure in 2007. Finally mix in a country who's government is in flux, trying to establish itself after the monarchy was abolished. There were so many moments I felt that there was no hope, felt powerless to do anything truly effective to get our daughter home. It was hard to bear.....very hard. Although I won't forget the anxiety that at times consumed my thoughts, the edges are now softer, worn down by the giggles and hugs I get daily from our 20 month old daughter.

I wish I had words of wisdom to ease the pain of those who are still waiting. It is so hard to bear the uncertainty of not knowing if you'll ever be able to be the parent of a child that so needs a family. I do wish that somehow that the families that are waiting somehow find a little peace. I do wish the Ministry and all others involved would get their act together, and just get the children into homes. Our daughter was so shut down when we met her at her orphanage, now she is a vibrant, bright-eyed toddler, excited to explore her world. I wish the same for the other children waiting.

How long will it take, and how much will it cost?

I didn't save these, but check them out on the public access blog if you're interested

http://nepaladoptionrumors.blogspot.com/